Peenie Wallie: When cell phones are outlawed, only outlaws will have cell phones

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June 02, 2005

When cell phones are outlawed, only outlaws will have cell phones

Cell phone carnage

Due to an FAA ban, no one has been allowed to place a cell phone call on any commercial airline flights in the U.S. for the last decade. All cell phones must be turned off while the plane is in the air or on an "active taxi". The FCC didn't like that multiple cell towers are visible simultaneously and the signals might confuse the network. The FAA was afraid that the phones would interfere with the plane's navigational instruments, hence the FAA ban.

But, this is, of course, absurd. First of all, consider that, on any given flight, there are people who forget to turn off their cell phones. You can tell because you'll hear them ringing in flight, especially during takeoff and landing. It happens. I've done it. I've flown across the country many times with my cell phone locked, loaded, and powered up. So, here's a news flash - cell phones don't interfere with the plane in any way. This is intuitively obvious to the casual observer.

Now, secondly, let's consider if the opposite were true. Let's assume that the cell phones are so dangerous that turning them on would cause the plane to crash into the earth or ocean. If this is true, why on Earth would they allow you to have them on the plane in the first place? Last time I checked, they were coonfiscating fingernail clippers from senior citizens and helium balloons from children. So, if a cell phone is so deadly, why allow it to be carried onto the plane where any terrorist could pull it out and turn it on midflight, destroying the plane.

So, apparently, someone at the airlines figured this out. Namely, that the cell phones have no observable effect on a commercial airliner. So, they want to allow people to use their cellphones on the plane, as they should. However, now the Department of Homeland Stupidity and the Federal Bureau of Ignorance have jumped into the fray, claiming that terrorists might use the cell phones in a surreptitious and malicious manner.

Well, duh? Terrorists might use propane to blow up buildings too. Why not ban propane sales? Terrorists might use cordless phones to plot terror attacks against U.S. citizens. Why not ban cordless phones? One can only imagine all of the potential threats we might face living in a free society. Fortunately, we have the FBI and Homeland Security to keep us free from the perils of freedom.

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