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May 16, 2007
Robisms
Someone pointed out that I didn't have "Robisms" linked into the website any more. I think that what happened was that I had Robisms linked into the old website, but had never posted it into the new-and-improved Movable Type website. So, I've reposted the complete and unabridged version of Robisms below for your entertainment.
These comments are provided solely for your entertainment. If you are not offended by any of them, then you haven't been on the receiving end of them…yet. Anyone trying to find any order, logic, or method to this confused amalgamation of delusional sound-bites will be shot. Survivors will be shot again. No animals were harmed in these recordings. Be careful using these lines around children, foaming intellectuals, or mouth-breathing tree-huggers.
The definition of a fool is a person who does the same thing over and over and expects to get different results.
The first thing you do when you find yourself at the bottom of a hole is you stop digging.
No matter how flat it is, every pancake's got two sides.
If you wan'na make an omelette you gotta break a few eggs.
There's no point in closing the barn door after all the horses are out.
If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks like a nail.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
You can't deny a leopard his spots.
The unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing so much for so long with so little, that we now attempt the impossible with nothing.
If you're able to keep calm when eveyone else panics, then you probably haven't grasped the seriousness of the situation.
It's fine to burn bridges, but you'd best be a good swimmer.
When the ox is in the ditch, you gotta get him out.
The Romans didn't build an empire by holding meetings. They did it by killing everyone that opposed them.
The great is the enemy of the good.
There's no point in trying to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it irritates the pig.
You can't get blood out of a turnip.
You're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
You're preaching to the converted.
Preaching to the choir.
You don't have to be a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Lipstick on a bulldog.
There's a dog that won't let go of the bone.
The road to hell is paved with good intent.
'We have to do something' is the rallying cry of every half-baked idea.
It's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.
The people in hell want ice-water.
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.
When someone uses the word 'IF', and then pontificates on something preposterous-1.
When someone uses the word 'IF', and then pontificates on something preposterous-2.
When someone offers unwarranted praise.
When someone offers praise prematurely.
When someone proposes an idea that seems infeasible.
If someone acts like that want to debate you.
Speaking out in meetings-1.
Speaking out in meetings-2.
Speaking out in meetings-3.
When someone suggests stirring up an issue.
When someone suggest changing something.
When people run with a bad crowd.
When people feel compelled to exhibit photos of their offspring-1.
When people feel compelled to exhibit photos of their offspring-2.
Corollary to the common wisdom of 'Pushing the Envelope'.
Corollary to the common wisdom of 'He Who Laughs Last'.
Corollary to the common wisdom of the 'Early Bird'.
Corollary to the common wisdom of the 'Squeaky Wheel.'
Corollary to the common wisdom of 'Anything is Possible.'
Corollary to the common wisdom of the 'Bird in the Hand'-1.
Corollary to the common wisdom of the 'Bird in the Hand'-2.
Corollary to the common wisdom of the 'Soaring with the Eagles'.
Corollary to the common wisdom of "If it don't fit, don't force it.'
Corollary to the common wisdom of "The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth.'
Procrastination.
With any luck....
Women-1.
Women-2.
Women-3.
Paranoia.
Diplomacy.
When someone makes a relevant observation.
When someone exclaims 'I have an idea.'
When someone makes an unsolicited comment-1.
When someone makes an unsolicited comment-2.
When someone sees value in someone that isn't readily apparent.
When someone is acting in a manner that might lead to an untimely demise.
When someone proposes an idea that seems feasible.
Observations on whether someone is aesthetically appealing-1.
Observations on whether someone is aesthetically appealing-2.
Observations on whether someone is aesthetically appealing-3.
Observations of someone with bad teeth.
Observations on someone that isn't terribly clever-1.
Observations on someone that isn't terribly clever-2.
Observations on someone that isn't terribly clever-3.
Whenever someone offers you something(anything)-1.
Whenever someone offers you something(anything)-2.
Whenever anyone asks you a question.
Whenever someone asks if you're ready.
Whenever someone indicates they're waiting on you.
Whenever someone asks a question that you didn't year or didn't understand.
Whenever someone states a plain and undeniable fact.
When someone asks you if you drink-1.
When someone asks you if you drink-2.
When someone asks you if you drink-3.
When someone asks where you're from.
When someone trips-1.
When someone trips-2.
When someone injures themselves-1.
When someone injures themselves-2.
When you injure yourself.
When you spill something you're drinking.
When something breaks at a social gathering.
When someone complains that something stinks.
When you leave a door open and someone asks 'Were you raised in a barn'?
Whenever someone says "to make a long story short…"
Whenever you feel like saying "to make a long story short", instead say:
Them's Fightin' Words-1.
Them's Fightin' Words-2.
Them's Fightin' Words-3.
Them's Fightin' Words-4.
Them's Fightin' Words-5.
Them's Fightin' Words-6.
Nervous.
Busy.
Hard.
Difficult.
Fast.
Obese.
Skinny.
Perpetually moving from crisis to crisis.
Pickup Lines-1.
Pickup Lines-2.
Pickup Lines-3.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
The definition of ambivalence.
Best 'No Trespassing' sign.
Pilot's announcement on plane upon landing in Jackson Mississippi.
Mind over Matter.
Tacos.
Who's your daddy?
I'm not sure how to explain it.
That's the way we've always done it.
I want to be different.
Posted by Rob Kiser on May 16, 2007 at 8:30 AM
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