Peenie Wallie: The Pet Holocaust

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December 28, 2007

The Pet Holocaust

Well, I finally broke down and let Jennifer get a kitty. We got her a 1 year old female calico kitty which she named "Jazzmin"(sic).

I was asking them all these questions like "has it been declawed yet?"

And they're all holier-than-thou like "we don't believe in declawing cats because they have to amputate the first knuckle of the cat's paws"

And I'm like "Well, i figured that since it's just a cat it wouldn't be that big of a deal." This raised some eyebrows and the next thing I knew they dusted off this "adoption application" and I'm like "are you serious? For a cat?"

Like you have got to be joking. They'd rather put the thing down than let me have it so they give me this long tree-hugger rainbow-coalition "adoption application" to fill out. It was roughly equivalent to trying to get a job on an Air Force Base.

Question #7 "Will the pet will be kept inside or outside?"

"I'm not good at these multiple-guess tests," I complained. "What's the right answer for Number 7?" I asked.

"The cat should be kept inside. Their lifespan is cut in half if they live outside," Jason explained.

"In half?" Like, I don't know where they come up with that figure. If the cat gets outside of my house, it wouldn't live ten minutes. It would be ripped to pieces by mountain lions, coyotes, and foxes before the sun came up. I put "Inside".

Question #8 "If you no longer want the pet, what will you do with it?"

My dad always talked about putting cats in a burlap sack with a few bricks and tossing them from a bridge to see how good they could swim. I'm not sure that I would know where to find a burlap sack though, so I figure I'll just let it spend the night outside. That should do the trick.

Somewhere around Question #9 in the survey they asked if she'd ever had any pets before and I'm putting in everything, figuring it will increase her odds. Make her look like a more qualified applicant. An experienced pet owner, as it were. So I'm putting in everything she ever owned - rabbit, quail, fish, gerbils, dog, etc.

And then I got to Question #10 which was "Where are they now?"

And I was like "Hmmm. Good question. That's a tough one. You mean like - in the spiritual sense?"

The quail lived 24 hours, at most. Bunners was eaten alive on a camping trip. I tossed buckets of gerbils out into the snow. The only known survivors from the gerbil holocaust are reportedly living in a series of tunnels beneath my neighbor's shed. The fish...all gone...flushed down the commode in waves. She kills Betas for Christ's sake...those things are like lungfish. They can live for days without water, but somehow she killed a baker's dozen of them. We have a pet cemetery in the front yard with more graves than Gettysburg.

I was like ”Do you have any more forms? I made a mistake on this one and I need to start over.”

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