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November 6, 2008
Obama Vows to Replace Wall Street Bull with Bear
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Responding to the historic post-election market collapse, Obama announced today that he would seek to reign in the stock traffickers of the New York Stock Exchange and replace the Wall Street Bull with a Wall Street Bear.
Obama's apologists at MSNBC were quick to point out that the announcement was in line with his promises to "bankrupt the coal industry" and "spread the wealth".
"For too long, America has operated as an Imperialist country...has suffered from the perils of the free market economy," observed Obama. "What we need today is not the greed of Wall Street, but the compassion of Main Street."
His speech was repeatedly interrupted by the hypnotic chants of his disciples. "Yes We Can! Yes We Can!"
Obama went on to denounce the 7,000 pound brass statue as, "The embodiment of greed and divisiveness...the dividing line between the 'haves' and the 'have-nots'...and an embarrassment to disenfranchised people across the globe." He promised to drastically curtail speculation and profiteering on the stock exchange and to remove the bull, immediately upon taking office.
The bull is scheduled to be smelted in a hybrid solar-electric furnace and replaced with an environmentally friendly aluminum bear, made entirely from the recycled needles of Portland drug addicts.
Posted by Rob Kiser on November 6, 2008 at 6:44 PM
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