« Ted kipping | Main | Upgrading the Dell Inspiron Mini 1012 »
September 14, 2012
The Devil's Maw
Alfred A. Arraj United States Courthouse
The Devil's Maw
As I get closer the building, it dawns on me where I'm going. I'm walking into the same federal courthouse where they tried Tim McVeigh, the lunatic that blew up the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City back in 1995. I know because I was here in Denver when they tried him the next year.
I was living in a hotel in downtown Denver right across from the court hours when all the feds came rolling in to prosecute that wretch. One night, I came home from work and they had all my belongings out on the sidewalk out in front of the Holtz on one of those rolling clothes caddies the bellman push through hotel lobbies.
"Dude...wtf?"
"Sorry, bro. The feds came in and took all of our rooms. We charge them higher rates, so you're on the street."
"Of course they pay higher rates. It's not their money!"
But that was it and they tried McVeigh in that building and everyone was deathly afraid there was going to be another fertilizer bomb attack by his compatriots, but that never happened. They shipped off McVeigh to Supermax down in Florence to rot away for the rest of his life.
This is absurd, I think as I approach the building. It's an absurd abuse of authority for a government to prosecute its own citizens for a moving violation in which there was no crash, no injuries, no damage. Just a citizen driving his vehicle down the road. To force me to fly from California to Colorado for a court hearing when they only hold court two days a month is Kafkaesque.
The federal court house has those retracting truck barricades designed to prevent citizens that have been pushed too far from taking things a bit further still.
Two federal morons running a metal detector on the front end of fortress. I slump through in my camo pants and camo boots. Leather jacket. I have a few grand on me in case they start getting really stupid and wanting a cash bond.
My biggest fear is that they've issued a federal warrant for my arrest, and that I've missed my court hearing (I was supposed to be here at 8:30 a.m. and it's 11:00 a.m. now), and that they figure out who I am and that I have a warrant and they decide to "remand" me until the next court hearing, in two weeks.
Now, keep in mind that last night, I was in San Francisco, watching the guy beside me smoke weed openly on the streets. But somehow, I'm going to rot away with Tim McVeigh in a federal prison for the crime of driving while free, apparently.
I walk into the court room on the 4th floor and this guy approaches me and hands me a sliver of paper with all my rights on it in a four point font.
"If you were here the morning, the judge would have explained your rights to you..."
"I couldn't be here this morning, as I was in California this morning."
"You were in California this morning?" he clarifies.
"That's correct. I got here as fast as I could."
He starts explaining my rights and I'm like "I'm well aware of what my rights are, and I'm not waving any of them. I'm not pleading guilty to anything. I want a jury by a trial of my peers. I want an attorney..."
The typical unhinged rambling you'd expect from a middle-aged man in camo on a dirt bike.
"Well, if you were here this morning, the judge would have..."
"Look. I told you already that I was in California this morning and I got here as fast as I could. I'm fully cognizant of the fact that I am late. I got here as quickly as I could and I don't need you to keep rubbing my nose in it."
"Look, Robert. You've got me all wrong. Would you like to step out of the courtroom and talk?"
So, we step out into a little anteroom. The first thing I ask him is "Who are you?"
"I'm Greg Darrell McYurien, the U.S. Prosecuting Attorney. I'm filling in for Haley today."
I think about this. I know better than to talk to the prosecuting attorney. He is the enemy. I know that much. This is clear. I shouldn't admit anything to him. Don't talk to the police. Don't talk to the prosecuting attorney. Don't open your mouth.
"OK. Fair enough."
"Look...what happened here? You were driving and got some tickets? Three tickets it looks like?"
"Yeah. Dude wrote me up for driving my motorcycle with a suspended license, expired plates, and driving 60 in a 45."
"What were you doing in the park? They get kind of excited about the plates because they get people driving off-road on dirt bikes with no plates."
"I was driving my bike out to CA."
"What kinda bike?"
"It's an enduro...a Honda..." I offer.
"OK. Great. I'm a bike guy myself. You were driving your enduro from Colorado to California?"
"Yeah. I've driven it from Alaska down to Cabo and back, but not all in one trip..."
"Excellent. I love that. I used to drive a KX400. I've got to get another bike when the kids are all out of school. OK. Here's what I'll do for you. I'll dismiss this ticket for driving on a suspended license. I'll reduce the fines on the two other tickets to $35.00 each...speeding and driving with expired plates...how's that?"
"Will it go on my driving record?"
"No. It's a federal park. It doesn't get reported to the states."
"Deal. Can I pay you in cash?"
"No. You have to mail in a check or you can pay it online."
I leave, but before I get in the elevator, I start thinking about the federal warrants for my arrest. The problem with the government is that, once something gets set in motion, it's nearly impossible to get it to stop. If there's a warrant for my arrest, I've got to have some paperwork to carry around with me to prove that I'm no longer on the lam, but I'll be in the pokey in a different timezone.
So I go back into the court and motion for my buddy to come over.
"Did y'all ever issue a federal warrant for my arrest?"
No one is quite sure on this issue, so he starts working the court, going from the federal Ranger Rick nazis, to the judge, to the court clerk, and finally comes back with a verdict.
"No. A warrant was never issued for your arrest. If you didn't come in today, we would have issued one."
"Thanks. Have a nice life!"
Posted by Rob Kiser on September 14, 2012 at 1:10 PM
Comments
:)
Posted by: sl on September 14, 2012 at 3:45 PM