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October 18, 2014
Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
I'm going back and watching the poorly animated TV show "Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist". The animation is not good, but the lines in it are pretty funny:
Season 1:
Season 1: Episode 1 - Dr. Katz - "Bill can we talk about your earliest sexual experiences? Anything that comes to mind is OK....
Bill - "I remember the first time I had sex...because I kept the receipt."
Bill - "My father smoked a lot...he's been smoking for years...he tried to quit...he tried hypnosis and it didn't really take...and then he tried that thing with all the needles...what do they call that? Heroin? He loves it. He loves it. We can't get it away from him."
Dr. Katz - "Why is it that you require so much dental work?"
Bill - "My teeth are crooked...you know...I was supposed to get braces when I was a little kid but my parents didn't have enough money....left over from their trip."
Dr. Katz - "How'd you like Hawaii, Bill?"
Bill - "Hawaii was not like what I thought it would be like...at all...I thought everyone would be wearing grass skirts and eating macadamia nuts and wearing coconut halves on their breasts, but...boy...I was the only one..."
Dr. Katz - Did you have a problem with bedwetting when you were a kid?
Bill - No...not as a kid.
Season 1 Episode 3:
Joy Behar: "Last year I spent $850 on panty hose. Men are still wearing the same socks they wore to Junior High School. They call them their lucky socks."
Season 1: Episode 4
Dave Attell:
You know when you you're young you think your dad's superman. And then you grow up and you realize he's a just a regular guy who wears a cape.
He never left me have fireworks.All I had was sparklers. Sparklers. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends have M-80s, bottle rockets, sticks of dynamite. I'm walking around like the Special Olympic torch-boy. Now I'm a moving target.
I remember at one time my dad was wearing pants. It must have been Thanksgiving.
I have a friend....I went clothes shopping with this friend of mine. He's even worse than me. He bought a pair of overalls. He's like "Dave. What goes with this?"
I'm like..."I dunno...they're overalls. I guess a banjo? I dunno...I know what doesn't go with it - jobs and women."
Season 2
Season 2 Episode 11
Brian Kiley: "We were told that we were unable to have children....by our landlord. And it turns out he was completely mistaken."
Brian Kiley: "I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily it was a Wednesday, and we were just playing golf."
Season 3
Season 3 Episode 1:
Dr Katz - Richard have you ever considered marriage?...that maybe there's a Mrs. Jeni in your future?
Richard Jeni: No. I've never really even been drunk enough to get a tattoo.
Season 3 Episode 2:
Cathy Ladman - This might come as a shock to you but I'm getting married this year.
Dr Katz - Hey Great.
Cathy Ladman - I can't wait to tell him.
Season 3: Episode 3
Dr. Katz: You say that...even within the city...you're still able to find a little oasis...a haven...
Emo Phillips - I go to the park...I like to...have fun...you know...rip out nose hairs...Those sleeping winos hate that.
Emo Phillips - I weigh about 140 pounds...naked...I mean...if that scale at the train station is anything to go by.
Season 3: Episode 4
Kevin Nealon - "I've been married 6 years. I got married after a two year...ah....I want to say 'argument'...engagement..engagement. But I had dated enough and I finally met that "Miss Right". Miss "always right". And uh...I thought That was the one.I met my wife at a costume party one halloween. she came as a slinky. that was her outfit. and I remember the first time I saw her...she was coming down the stairs...she was amazing...she was taking them 2 at a time. she was pretty good."
Kevin Nealon - "My father though...I've always got along well with my father...sometimes he'd lose his temper and he'd get very angry....but he would control it...he would slowly count to 100...then he would let my head up out of the water..."
Season 3: Episode 5
David Feldman - "When my wife and I got married we had one simple rule, no cheating. Unless our wildest fantasy came true. And we each got to pick someone. She picked Kevin Costner and I picked Cindy Crawford. After a couple years, I suggested that maybe we should update the list. So she picked Brad Pitt. And I picked...our babysitter."
Kathy Griffin - "Oh...like you've never had a day where you've wanted to kill your parents....and reload."
Women have a better grasp of language than men.
There are no synonyms in a woman's vocabulary.
Every word has its own shade of meaning.
"I didn't say that I was mad.
I said that I was upset.
Season 4
Date Attell - I don't have a girlfriend sometimes I like to pretend I do.
I just stand in my apartment screaming "That's Not What I Said! No! I didn't say that!
Easy! EASY!"
Season 5, Episode 47 of 81 - "It kinda reminds me of the first time I ever got undressed in front of a woman...it was horrible...she started screaming...and then they kicked me off the bus."
Posted by Rob Kiser on October 18, 2014 at 10:11 PM
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